Depression and Motherhood

I keep seeing updates on Facebook and blog posts about how great it is to be a stay-at-home Mom so I thought I would shed some light on the "other side."  This post is not intended as complaining, but rather as an opportunity for me to share a little of my life.

I usually hear Moms describe their first time with their child as being such a wonderful, bonding, love-filled experience---they look at their newborn and just feel so much love.  When I first held my daughter I couldn't help thinking about 3 things, (none of which were about how much I loved her): 1. I was no longer nauseous 2. I was no longer pregnant 3. She is so small!!  I was thinking that maybe after a few days the shock of having a new baby would wear off and I would start to feel a connection to her.  No such luck.  It was after a few weeks that I came to terms with the fact that I had postpartum depression. During the first few months of her life, my anxiety disorder flared up causing me to feel anxious most of every day and have panic attacks at least once a day (usually right before bed).  Due to lack of health insurance at the time I wasn't able to afford going to a doctor. 

Fast forward to a year later (November 2011).  I finally started to feel a connection to Isla.  When I would be away from her on a date or for any other reason, I missed her.  This was new.  I started enjoying playing with her.  I had always found it easy to pick out new things she had done so I would have something to talk about with other people, but there was never any emotion behind it.  FINALLY there started to be.  

I cannot adequately describe what it's like to not feel anything.  To go through experiences that should feel good and to be incapable of feeling those things.  Not being able to feel love, not being able to feel joy, not being able to feel the Spirit.  

On top of the depression and anxiety (both of which I am still living with), I also live with chronic pain---headaches (the one I have right now I have had for the last 10 years), back pain, joint and muscle pain throughout my entire body.  Every day feels like a chore.  Because I am a stay-at-home Mom I have to get out of bed to take care of my child.  I just wish I could enjoy it.  Thankfully it's getting better, but it's taken a long time.  

Growing up, being a Mom was all I ever wanted out of life.  I never had any career aspirations, I just wanted to be at home with my kids.  When Michael and I prayerfully decided that we would start having children right away I thought I would be prepared for what it would be like.  I was wrong.  So very, very, wrong.  I didn't know how lonely I would feel, how isolated I would be from the world, how much I would dread waking up every morning.  I didn't know how much I would NOT like being at home.  I had always assumed it would come naturally to me and that I would love it. 

At least once every day I find myself pleading with the Lord to help me get through the next 5 minutes or the next 5 hours.  And every day He helps me.  Being a mom is the hardest thing I've ever done.  I wish I could say it felt like the most rewarding thing I've ever done, but I can't feel enough yet to be able to say that.  

What I CAN say now, is that I finally feel the love I have for my daughter.  I love that she is a part of my life and I would not have it any other way.  I know she was supposed to come into my life when she did.  She is so beautiful, and smart, and amazing.  Her smile, her laugh, how she walks, talks, just everything.  I love it all.  I know I've loved her all along, I just couldn't feel it very well.